How to Deal With a Teenager Who Doesn't Seem to Care

Urgh, parenting teens requires so much from us. It's like we have to re-learn parenting, as the sweet daughter or son we once knew seems totally different overnight!

I am often asked how to deal with teenagers who are moody, full of attitude, say “I don’t care” to everything and are basically disengaged, pushing away or just plain difficult, as life feels like one big power struggle.

As a teen counsellor as well as a parent coach, it is illuminating for me to speak honestly with teenagers themselves and unpack what’s really happening for them on the inside… Here’s some of what I know that may help you:

Why are teenagers so moody?

• The teen brain is going through a big renovation! It is like living in a house under construction, where not everything is accessible and so much change can feel really uncomfortable.
• The reward centres of the brain can be particularly responsive when a teen is doing something enjoyable, while everyday life may feel less rewarding during adolescence. This can translate to both:
• More thrill-seeking (risky) behaviours in search of excitement and reward.
• An “I am bored” or checked-out, moody attitude, as normal life can feel unfulfilling.

• The emotional centre of the brain, the amygdala, can be highly reactive, while the prefrontal cortex is still developing. This can mean:
• Impulsive, emotionally led behaviour.
• Less focus on consequences, outcomes of behaviour or reflection in the heat of the moment.
• More focus on belonging and friends (nature’s way of helping your teen to pull away from parents and become more independent), which can make parents feel less important for a while (and feels pretty rubbish after all those years of love and investment!).

Ultimately, these factors can lead to a tricky combo of high reward-driven behaviour and acting on impulse and emotion, with less thought for others, parents and consequences in the heat of the moment. Teens can minimise downside risk and think with tunnel vision.

If you have found yourself saying, “What were you thinking?!”… they probably weren’t thinking it through, and now you know why.

Now add hormones to the mix, body changes, sexual urges, confusion, increased pressure at school and with exams, more social situations to navigate, social media and tech that follows them wherever they go, often a lack of sleep, growing responsibilities, the sense they are disappointing you as their parent as you dish out more threats and punishments, and no wider trusted, wise adults to confide in… All this can lead the teen to feel lost, disconnected and despair about who they are and how they fit in.

I don’t know about you, but I would be moody too if this was my reality!

I say this with compassion, as you and I know how deeply you love your teen, but their lived experience may FEEL different because of what they are going through.

So how do you deal with teenage girls and boys to stay connected and re-engage?

The good news is… there are lots of different tools and methods to help you walk the tightrope of behaviour and ‘attitude’, which can feel so hard and honestly hurtful at times. Parent coaching can really help you navigate the chaos and support your teen through all these changes as they develop their own sense of self.

Here are some quick wins

1. Meet them where they are, without judgement. When they were young, being playful and enthusiastic like a puppy was the answer to their needs a lot of the time, but with teens I like to say, “think cat”. Let them know you are there for them, but without being over the top and layering your own worried energy and fears.
2. Invite them to small moments of connection. They still need you, even if it feels like they don’t want you. Pick the right moment (usually late in the evening) and then invite them to hang out, watch TV, walk the dog, do something they love (even if it’s video games) or chat if they fancy. Without an agenda, and without interrogation.
3. They may say no, that’s fine. But it lets them know you care. If they say yes, make it minimal eye contact, side by side or while you are doing something else, to take the pressure off. This can be especially helpful for teens who find direct eye contact uncomfortable.
4. Attune to them. What does that mean? It means listen, like a sportscaster. Just reflect back what they say and be on the ‘bench’ with them, make them feel understood, worthy and safe. Don’t try to FIX anything or advise!

Why connection matters

When we model empathy, compassionate understanding and communication this way, it may feel like we are doing nothing. But as their brains are rewiring, feeling heard and understood can help them find clarity and calm within their minds instead of confusion.

You become the anchor your child needs in the storm, helping them develop more self-understanding, empathy and self-regulation over time. Plus, your calm can start to rub off on their own behaviour. Our brains have something called mirror neurons, which are involved in how we observe and respond to others. This may be one of the ways your teen picks up cues from your calm behaviour.

The erratic moods may not change, and yes, you may need to enforce your boundaries to keep them safe. But with more understanding and fewer daily power struggles, everything can become lighter and easier and you can all feel more supported!

If any of this resonates and you'd like to talk, I'd love to hear from you.

For more on understanding what's happening during adolescence, you might also find my blog on understanding your teenage son helpful.