How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums

Tantrums take many forms and can happen with kids of all ages (and yes, even some adults can throw a tantrum!), depending on their ability to hear “No” or accept a limit and deal with the frustration or disappointment. In other words, the ability to be OK with not feeling OK.

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

What makes the “Terrible Twos” so terrible comes down to two main factors:

1. A two-year-old’s brain is still developing. It’s strong on instinct, survival and emotion, with very little prefrontal cortex development. This affects their ability to make considered decisions, understand consequences, put feelings into words and grasp the passing of time. What does that mean? It means they often can’t “think things through” or understand that how they feel now won’t last forever. So hearing “No” or being disappointed can feel, inside a two-year-old’s body, like the end of the world as they know it!!
2. Two-year-olds have very little agency and control over their lives. They can feel like they are constantly told “No” (because rightly, we need to keep these fearless, emotional cutiepies safe and healthy). Hearing “No” can feel like a cue of danger to their system though, like a lack of freedom would feel to us adults. For some children, that alert can trigger a fight-or-flight response, aka a Big Fit.

How to cope with toddler tantrums

1. Letting go of judgement

Our society can feel pretty judgy about a child having an epic meltdown, and that in itself makes parenting in the best way even harder. We have a voice in our head worrying about being judged, or even judging ourselves as parents. We start to think: “My child is spoiled”, “I am failing”, “They will be entitled brats when they are older”.

We feel out of control, helpless and often not good enough in that stressful moment, which can lead us to parent more harshly out of desperation. This can make the tantrum last longer, create disconnection and affect the relationship.

Whereas in reality, our child is just feeling lots of emotions at once, without the brain development to know they will be OK, and without the skills to bring themselves out of the funk or understand that the feeling won’t last forever. They also need to know their parent still loves them. These are regulation skills, and we as parents need to teach them the same way we would teach our kids to ride a bike or do their homework independently.

2. How to de-escalate in the moment

Stick to your “No” or limit. They need you to be sturdy, calm and consistent. If you give in, they may learn “Big Fits make mummy crumble and I get what I want”, potentially leading to more tantrums at home!

Co-regulation means helping them feel safe. Soften your voice, get down on the floor with them, slow your breath and wait it out. Don’t do or say much. Maybe:

“I know you really want it.” “It is No right now, not forever.” “I love you and I am here.”

(You also need to work on being OK with them not being OK.)

Have a mantra to say to yourself in the hot moment to keep your own nervous system from heating up, and remember to breathe.

What skills help in the long run?

In the long run, the skills a little one (and you as their parent) need to develop to cope with big emotions and frustration are:

• Regulation skills: Noticing the wave coming and developing the skills to pause and come back to calm.
• Distress tolerance: Accepting “No” and allowing yourself to feel hard feelings without them taking over.
• Brain development: Over time, showing up for them in a consistent, loving way models how to cope when things go squwiffy.

Understanding this gives us as parents much more compassion in the thick of a child’s tantrum. They are struggling and aren’t doing this on purpose. They haven’t learned the skills yet to deal with frustration (which takes time), and they may experience a limit or disappointment as a real threat to their system. It’s not manipulation.

If your child is a little older and you’re struggling with angry or aggressive behaviour, you might also find my blog Why Is My 4-Year-Old So Angry and Aggressive? helpful.

How parent coaching can help

Parent coaching helps you navigate the tools you need to help your child develop these skills, including creating a secure attachment, helping your child develop agency and future-oriented skills, emotional regulation skills, and setting boundaries in a way that makes them feel seen, safe and soothed. Plus working on your own stuff, so it doesn’t come into the trickiest of moments and sabotage connection.

If any of this resonates and you'd like to talk, I'd love to hear from you.